Connection

Whether we have self-care tools or not, the only thing that matters when we are feeling a lack of connection with ourselves, and others, is CONNECTION. 

My brother, Aaron, took his life on May 28, 2009. The day before I received the news, he called and told me everything was going to be ok and not to worry. He told me to have fun on my trip celebrating my graduation. He said when I got back, we would plan a camping trip. He told me he loved me. I would soon realize that this call was his way of trumping my inner knowing and his way of saying goodbye. 

The truth is for as long as I can remember, I always worried about my brother and his well-being. I observed as he navigated his stages of life. At times he would appear to be too cool to care about connecting with others, but always had that one friend who understood him and was able to weave in and through life with. Then there were times he seemed utterly alone and would disappear down a path with drugs. Then there were the stretches of time he devoted to cleaning up his messes by trying to repair the relationships he helped destroy, recommitting to a drug-free and alcohol-free lifestyle, and starting a new job. With every stage he weaved in and out of, I believe all he truly wanted was connection. I believe this because he was able to connect with me like no one else could. There was a deep understanding between us on all levels. We let out every ounce of weirdness and sillyness with each other. I relished in our laughter. Our silent moments were filled with comfort. He was sentimental and enjoyed traditions as much as me, if not more. When I slipped into darkness and felt alone, unseen, unheard, misunderstood, unworthy of love, he was the one person I felt could cut through all the illusions and connect to the truth of my being. While those around him experienced unfathomable times he reminded them they deserve forgiveness, to believe in themselves and to keep moving through life. He did this by holding space for them without effort. I am grateful I was able to reciprocate by listening as he would reflect on his past choices and how he hurt himself, others and what he would do differently knowing what he does now. 

Every year or so he would remind me that he knew he was going to live a short life and that he was ok with that. I’d listen but would also speak up and share my love, concern and how much I believed in him. I knew my love, or anyone else’s, could not save him. I encouraged him to embrace his creativity and try new things with the intention of strengthening his relationship with himself and simultaneously with others. When the positive streaks got challenged, I’d watch him loose connection with himself again. 

Aaron reminds me that life is filled with ongoing challenges and that it’s up to me what I make of those experiences. I can choose to learn, grow, evolve or I can give up on myself and life. I can forgive myself and others or I can live in pain and regret. I can choose to commit to myself and well-being everyday or I can let life happen to me. I can choose to nurture my connection with myself, or I can rely on others for my inner fulfillment.  

I can confidently say that every time my brother got through a challenging experience, he would eventually focus on himself and his well-being and begin to enjoy life again. He would share all the good he was creating for himself and how it was affecting others in positive ways. 

Feelings are temporary. Thought patterns can be replaced with new ones. All of this takes effort, and we are worth the effort. We are worth strengthening our connection with ourselves and with others. 

Resources: 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - 988
NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness - nami.org
American Foundation of Suicide Prevention – afsp.org